If you wanna be my lover, you better get growing that beard. 

Article and illustrations by Grace Molteni

In the age of the Internet, it seems there is room for every strange, eclectic and sometimes outlandish niche hobby at the table.  Long gone are the days when what you liked was defined by what you had access to, and good riddance. When it comes to online dating, then, niche is just the beginning. In more recent years of online dating, the influx of interest-specific dating sites has been on a steady increase; from farmers finding someone to sow their seeds with and Ayn Rand/Atlas enthusiasts to cat lovers seeking a purrfect match and singles saving it for marriage, your “type” is apparently just one Google search away. Ask and the Internet shall provide.

Beards are the latest phenomenon to arrive at their own social platform. What a time to be alive. Riding on the coattails of the newly coined “Lumbersexual” movement and years of “No-Shave-Novembeard,” Bristlr is a new dating/social media site that pairs people sporting facial hair with people looking for some to stroke.  For those of you unfamiliar with “Lumbersexuals” they are defined as “men more concerned with existing in the outdoors, or the pseudo-outdoors, than meticulous grooming habits,” those who you would find “bar-hopping, but look like they could fell a Norway Pine.” Lumbersexuality even made it on to Fox News’s radar, in a short trend piece video comparing the Lumbersexual movement to Metrosexual behavior. I’ll save you the ear bleed—there was a lot of talk of “manliness,” much misuse of the term “hipster,” and just a sprinkling of stereotypical gender role conformity.

I am not the internet dating/online meet-up/swipe-right kind of person.  This is the first (and likely only) dating/social meeting site I’ve used. As in, at all. Ever. But seeing as four years of college in Northern Minnesota just about ruined me for these baby-faced city boys (looking at you, Chicago,) a dating app targeting beard lovers like myself seemed like a good enough reason to give online matchmaking a try. Plus, no one had claimed the username “The Whisker Whisperer” yet, and when the universe sends an obvious sign like that, I take it.

So with my new pseudonym I signed up for Bristlr and began the dirty work of vetting a new dating app, as I always like dating apps and services such as skip the games Pittsburgh escorts which offer companionship all the time I wanted.

PROS:

1. Did I mention this site is specifically for the bearded and beard-lovers alike? What’s not to love?

2. Filters: Yay! The filters are fairly simple and based on what you’re seeking  (male/female/person with a beard/person looking for a beard) and how far you’re willing to go to seek it distant-wise (delightfully available in both kilometers and miles). The next best thing would obviously be the option to define the parameters and or shapes of your ideal beard.

3. Ways to block people. Always a good call considering rampant Internet trolls and all that.

4. Beard rating app built in: Did I die? Because this is basically heaven. The “not a beard” option is both a hilarious and beyond-appreciated touch, and as far as entertainment  purposes go, it’s cheaper than a movie. You have the ability to view the profiles of the beards you are rating, even if they aren’t in your “filtered distance list,” a helpful way to get your hopes up about facial locks in faraway lands.

5. You can choose your own screen name: The room for creativity is appreciated and ripe for puns, as more things should be, in my opinion.

CONS:

1. The Interface of the app (what you use) and the User Experience (how you use it) is a bit wonky: I know, I know. Beta testing is a big factor here, but there isn’t really a walkthrough of how to go about said facial hair appreciating. There’s a bunch of pictures of beards with a heart that you likely click in order to give a beard props (you do) and which will likely light up/change/notify you when someone “likes” you back (it does). The only way people can message each other is if they both “like” one another, much like how Tinder operates. There is also a heart icon at the top navigation bar, deceptively next to the “who likes me” link (explained in #5) that will give you a full list of your matches. Seems like a smart system to me—it’s just missing an instruction manual.

2. Undetermined Return on Investment (AKA no real way to tell if this site will actually help you snipe a bearded or beard-loving babe): I have a few friends, both guys and girls, who have signed up, sent messages, perhaps had a convo, but any and all efforts for an in-person meet-up were to no avail. One of them sports some of the best facial hair I have seen in my life to date (we’re talking a Baberham Lincoln, Nordic Viking God, Can-I-Live-In-Your-Beard-All-Winter level of manliness here) and he has yet to receive a message. No beard stroking to be had (not a euphemism).  While it is described as a social media site for beard-lovers and beard-havers, Bristlr doesn’t have the kind of established protocol of  match, chat, hookup/meetup that apps like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, or Grindr do. Based on both personal experience and a numerous “I don’t really get this site but here is my number” messages it would appear that most users aren’t sure how seriously to take the site. With Lumbersexuality as the current hot topic, all things beard are bound to be popular – it makes sense to capitalize on a niche market, but Bristlr has yet to prove itself as anything more than a trend piece.

3. Filters: Well, it was a yay until I saw how 20 miles really limited my selection, whisker-wise. This is less a con of the filter itself, and more a reflection on how the app’s current outreach is in its early stages.

4. Spellcheck:  In Bristlr World, it does not exist. Not that automatic spellcheck should be a crutch, but it couldn’t hurt as a built-in feature.

5. Shares as Incentive: Not unlike many free/start-up sites, there are aspects of the site that can only be accessed or unlocked by referring Bristlr to your Internet friends via Facebook, Twitter, Email, and the like, or by buying the creators a coffee via Paypal. The main feature this is used for is the “who likes me” – where you can see which users like you WITHOUT having to like them back first. This feature is quite unlike the limited match system of other sites like Tinder and for some, paying for a coffee or promoting the site may be small price to pay for insight into what their options are.

OBSERVATION:

While I can’t say if it falls under either a Pro or a Con, it is interesting to note that while all of the men on the site have beards, the beard seekers (namely women) are not of a particular look or lifestyle; unlike their bristled counterpart they meet no specific qualifications other than the fact that they are looking for their very own Lumbersexual. However, both parties (bearded and not) can “like” and message each other, making this app essentially a normal dating site for most guys, so long as they have a whiskers to show for it.

THE PLAYERS (made-up monikers for the beards who actually messaged me)

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The Dapper Music City Marketer: Don’t get on a girl’s beardar if you live a time zone away. Rude.

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The North Carolina Mountain Man: He sent me a message saying he was a jet engineer, then sent me a message right afterward laughing that his phone had autocorrected to say jet Eminem. Which I then quickly collaged in Photoshop and sent it back. LOLs abounded.

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The Christ Follower: It’s not an exact science, but I have a pretty strong belief that you can tell almost everything you need to know about a person based on their coffee order, their Instagram feed, and their Malört face. So to the guy who asked my IG handle before my name, (and whose profile spells out CHRIST FOLLOWER and every ‘gram was accompanied with scriptures from the Bible) I’m pretty sure the only religious view we could agree on is that Jesus rocked a stellar beard.

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The Yogi Beard-a: He didn’t approve of my HIIT (high intensity interval training) workouts. Too tough on the muscles, apparently.

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The One I Virtually Catcalled: Thanks for taking my “Congrats on your genes and tell your parents thank you because they KILLED IT” message in stride.

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The Highlander: His bio reads “I have a beard. What more could there possibly be that’s worth talking about?” I got a laugh, an invite to a “Home Alone” party and an Instagram follower from this one. Not sure if that’s considered a win, but I’ll take it.

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As pointed out by a good friend and fellow beard-aficionado, if this site is really for simply admiring bearded beauties, then it functions best when you don’t take it seriously. So be careful, ladies (or gents)—even if you’re just here for the beards, there’s still a human being attached to them. A bro is still a bro and a creep is still a creep, regardless of the magnificent man-mountain of facial hair he may be toting around.

So for now it remains to be seen if Bristlr just needs more time on its side, if it should be taken seriously at all, or if Chicago truly is “No Country for Bearded Men” for yours truly.   And if that’s truly the case, perhaps it’s not too late to put a plane ticket to Nashville on my birthday wish list.

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Grace Molteni is a Midwest born and raised designer, illustrator, and self-proclaimed bibliophile, currently calling Chicago home. For more musings, work, or just to say hey check her out on Instagram or at her personal website.