Why Googling “what to do after you breakup with someone” makes me feel like I should just dump myself.
by Nina Bolka
There are lists of things you’re supposed to do after a breakup to help distract yourself from thinking about your former relationship. You should use your sadness as a creative force and do things like write a self-centered novella, enroll in kickboxing classes, or paint your walls some crazy color at 2 a.m.
I was broken up with a few months ago, and I have yet to partake in any of the above. If I do, you’ll hopefully see my manic 2 a.m. wall painting portrayed in an antidepressant commercial, underscored by some guy telling you all the ways that the drug could kill you.
I went on the pursuit for sound post-breakup advice via Google searches and phone calls with friends. I endured one too many hot yoga class in search of enlightenment. But instead of feeling consoled, I felt inadequate. And instead of feeling peaceful, I found myself channeling my chakras like they have the same clout as a voodoo doll, while peacefully smiling and picturing my former significant other falling down a flight of stairs.
According to Cosmopolitan, women should do things like “indulge at the beauty counter” or “go on a 30 day cleanse.” Because yes, the things any woman who has recently been broken up wants to do is consume kale juice or learn how to apply smoky eyeliner, only to look in the mirror and remember that someone didn’t want the person looking back at them.
Such is the toughest reality to embrace post-breakup, and the one that every advice column written for recently dumped heterosexual women seems to skip. What’s so wrong with telling women to accept the truth? Why aren’t there more columnists that simply say, “You weren’t their cup tea, be yourself, give it time, you’ll move on,” without going on to tell you all the ways to change or improve upon yourself in the most cliché feminine ways possible.
I’ve had plenty of friends get broken up with. But this is the first time it’s happened to me, which is probably a little too late in life, but nonetheless I feel like a complete and total asshole for my lack of empathy toward formerly dumped friends. I didn’t fully understand their heartbreak, nor did I realize the weight of someone ending things with you because of who you are as a person.
It wasn’t until Googling “what to do after a breakup” and getting confronted with the most asinine advice that I realized most breakup literature out there tells women they need to “survive” their breakups. And most of this survival involves articles populated with silly GIFs that are interrupted by a pop-up ad that wants to send you a “15 Minute Guide to Crazy Hot Abs.”
I enter my email and it dawns on me—I’ve just landed myself a spot on some marketing list for vulnerable recently broken up with women that’ll get sold to advertisers. I wonder if I’ll get emails inviting me to join Hinge or Zoosk.
I then Google “Men: what to do after a break up.” Breakup Rules from AskMen pops up, offering insight on online breakup behavior, because apparently grown men in 2015 need a refresher for how they broke up with someone in 8th grade on AIM.
The content then goes into a slideshow featuring all the things guys do after a breakup: watch porn, stalk their ex, portray a false sense of happiness…really anything that most people in 2015 with an Instagram account already do.
I realize that this article is intended for women, just like me, to feel assured that my former significant other (who didn’t break up with me online…so who knows if this is evenaccurate) isn’t living the happy-go-lucky life of a rock star: he’s a masturbating, social media stalking, Bon Iver-music listening bachelor now. I somehow doubt that this is the case, and return to Google results.
The slew of content in front of me ranges from “Decoding Male Behavior,” “12 Things Men Really Do to Get Over a Breakup,” and “Who Handles Breakups Better?” Most of this content, if you cannot tell from the titles, comes from female-centric sites. My favorite headline is “Who Handles Breakups Better?” as it suggests that our gender could provide a “leg-up” and completely negates the reality that every relationship is different. I might as well write a generalized article on whether or not men or women deal with dead pets better.
I end my pursuit to be an informed dumped person writing a blog post with this: As a woman pursuing sound breakup advice, I might as well breakup with myself. As a man pursuing sound breakup advice;, I might as well learn what women think I’m going through.
I hope this is the first and last Carrie Bradshaw-esque thing I ever write.
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Nina has written for various publications and organizations, freelanced in events with Vogue, and worked as a chef’s apprentice in Florence. Her passion for writing has led her toward a role in integrated marketing at Rodale, where she ideates and executes programs for a variety of NY and Chicago-based accounts across multiple Rodale brands.
